Tonight my heart broke in to a million pieces and my stomach left my body through my mouth. I just need to get it out and it’s too late to call anyone now.
I’ve left The Pob in hospital. In a room, hooked up to monitors. In bed with his Daddy. I couldn’t stay, I had to be with Sam to feed him and I didn’t want to disturb the little sleep The Pob will get. It’s his latest night ever, he went to sleep about an hour ago, 12.15am. On the children’s ward.
He’s been, as ever, the bravest most delightful and clever child. Such a wonder and so grown up.
He’s had two courses of antibiotics for a throat infection in succession. The latest finished on Friday after which his temperature rose again quite quickly. Last night I dosed him up before bed and this morning we woke to a poorly boy. We stayed in bed til 9am eating rich teas and drinking tea and milk. That’s so unlike him, usually raring to go.
I knew something was wrong. I called the emergency doctor who told me to go to the doctors tomorrow (Monday) and have a throat swab. Two hours later he was worse and not responding to Calpol or Calbrofen so I called the MDOC again who agreed to see us.
That was one of the most ridiculous appointments of my life.
He asked if our house was hot…errr yes. Apparently lots of children are hot in this weather that was what was wrong.
‘Yes doctor my house is as hot as the next persons’, I replied, ‘but i know my son, he’s ill, there’s something wrong’.
‘Well I can give him more antibiotics if you want..’ the doctor offered offhandedly.
‘No doctor I don’t want more antibiotics, I want to know what’s wrong with my son…’
‘The weather is very hot, go to your GP in 24 hours if he’s no better.’
Out I trundle, dissatisfied and querying my judgement.
After his nap he had more of a temperature. He managed a yoghurt and some crisps but after both types of medicines again his temperature was 40.2.
I called NHS direct and that has led us to the here and now. We went straight to A & E, me thinking he had a secondary infection; urine or maybe strep throat.
They were efficient and fast. The Pob managed to wee in a pot (after jajooling and bribing with Smarties, it’s one of those times I thought ‘why am I packing Smarties…oh well I’ll just go with my instinct…useful turns out). No urine infection. Sad. I wanted it to be that.
He was so good for Fireman Sam Doctor (as he named him, he was called Sam). Had all the usual bits and bobs done. And after tried to play for a bit before he was totally exhausted.
Paeds were called, we went on to the A&E ward, he was re-examined by a paediatric registrar. Jason left to get The Dog to sleep in the car and get us some food. All kinds of words I didn’t understand were thrown at me…echo, heart murmur, chest X-ray, aortic valves…the long and the short of it is he has a murmur, but it’s the cause they are looking for. Could be caused by a virus (please please please world let this be the case), if it is, when he’s better it will go.
There are other reasons, which I can’t even think about now and one specific disease that might have caused it. I’m not religious but I pray (I don’t know who to!!) that its not this. It has to just be a virus, it’ll go and he’ll get better. That’s what’s going to happen.
He had bloods taken, to grow cultures. That was up there with one of the worst five minutes of my life. Clamping him, screaming, crying, singing twinkle twinkle. Wanting him better not causing him to thrash and sweat and sob. But throughout he’s been the politest boy, never forgetting his manners, no tantrums, just a beautifully good boy. Even at 6 hours after his normal bedtime.
I took him for his chest X-ray – no signs of the dreaded disease, he had his echo – all looked normal. Good. Now we just await the blood results so we know what’s wrong. He’s had all sorts done to him all the while declaring ‘I do it myself’ ‘I big boy’ ‘go to sleep mummy, shut those eyes…now’.
I’ve left him on the children’s ward in bed with his Daddy, hooked up to monitors. It killed me to leave him. He was peacefully asleep when I left.
Before he went to sleep I told him ‘I love you big boy’, ‘I know you do’ he said to me all grown up ‘high five’.
High five big little boy, rest up tonight and let’s prove those doctors just what a special boy you are and bust this thing.
I love you with all there is of me.