the sissy

Birth after birth trauma: the due date

A due date shouldn’t loom. Should it? Does it? Is it easier to pretend it isn’t happening, to carry on and keep busy to not obsess about it. What else can you do?

I am scared. Scared I can’t do it. I mean how on earth does an actual baby get out of there. Obviously I am no moron, I know the facts, but Christ, giving birth is surely the most concentratedly challenging and hard thing any woman has to do no matter how it comes out.

I’m scared of everything. Of it coming too quick and not making it to hospital (as IF after the 18 hours of labour last time). What if it comes at home and gets stuck, what if MrSlender has to call 999, do some kind of horrific procedure to save me or the baby, what if he does but it’s not enough.

What if he’s not here.

I’m scared of the journey to hospital, of the pain of bumps in the road.

I’m scared they’ll make me have an epidural too soon and labour won’t progress. I’ll be flat on my back, the heart rate will drop, my baby will be stuck. I’ll have to go in to theatre anyway, after agonising over deciding not to.

I’m scared of not being allowed to ease my pain in water because I need to be monitored, needing gas and air instead and hyperventilating and having another seizure.

I’m scared no matter how many times they try they can’t get an epidural to work, I have to have gas and air and then hyperventilate, have a seizure, then have to have another general and c-section as an emergency.

I’m scared of not being aware or awake when my baby’s born.

I’m scared of waking up again not knowing if I’m still pregnant or not.

Of course I could ‘just have another caesarean’. But would you want your torso sliced open, not one but two cuts. Want to feel people fishing and yanking inside your gut (I am imagining this, I obviously don’t know what it feels like being unconscious and all). Be scared to cough, laugh, sneeze just in case your stomach ripped open. Not be able to walk properly, back to normal, for months. Not be able to lift your toddler, to play sitting on the floor, to Hoover your house (if you actually had one that needed hoovering). To walk up stairs comfortably. To drive your car.

I’m scared I’ve made the wrong decision, that all those things are better than the unknown of childbirth.

But I know how I felt after I had the pob. I wanted a chance to try again, I still do. It’s natural instinct I guess.

I just want to have my baby with us both happy and healthy. Preferably without my stomach being sliced open. I want to be conscious. I want to know I’ve had our baby and remember having it and remember meeting it for the first time.

I am telling myself there are worse situations out there. Other people have had worse. They have got through a second birth. And anyway being scared of giving birth is normal, right? No matter how straight forward or complex, easy or horrific your first birth, every woman must be scared before she has her second. Even if she knows she’s having a section. No matter how its coming out.

Surely it’s normal to try to keep busy, to keep your mind occupied and to not want to dwell on the upcoming due date. Birth trauma or no birth trauma.

I just want my baby in my arms having known its been born, I want to meet my baby when it meets the world.

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4 thoughts on “Birth after birth trauma: the due date

  1. Oh lovely šŸ˜¦ I know exactly how you are feeling and I wish I had some practical advice for you. Have you told your midwife that u feel like this? Its not normal and it its due to your birth trauma but its not too late to change things.
    You CAN do this, your body IS able to do it. Have u got a birth plan or care plan kn place? Have you got a agreement about a gentle c section if things do not go as planned? There is such a thing, c sections do not have to be as brutal as you experienced. Bella is proof of that for me. But that is only if you do not deliver vaginally. When is your due date? Would u be open to natal hypnotherapy?
    Sending u such love xxxxxxx

    1. No point talking to midwife they are rubbish round here, she doesn’t know me and they aren’t consistent, they don’t remember what I told them from my previous apts! I guess you just have good and bad days. Sunday is due date, should’ve tried hypno before, I meant to but with the house it’s just slipped by. I think it helps just to get it out. I do have a plan, the anaesthetist has been wonderful. It’s all in place it’s just the thought of actually doing it now! X

  2. I reckon any woman who says she is not scared of giving birth is telling porkies! I know I was it’s only natural to be worried. x You’ll be fine, promise. xxxxxx

  3. Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Now I’m a reasonably calm person but reading that gave me a panic attack! Eddie had to slap me, twice! Although I’m not sure the second time was actually necessary. *breath*

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