A due date shouldn’t loom. Should it? Does it? Is it easier to pretend it isn’t happening, to carry on and keep busy to not obsess about it. What else can you do?
I am scared. Scared I can’t do it. I mean how on earth does an actual baby get out of there. Obviously I am no moron, I know the facts, but Christ, giving birth is surely the most concentratedly challenging and hard thing any woman has to do no matter how it comes out.
I’m scared of everything. Of it coming too quick and not making it to hospital (as IF after the 18 hours of labour last time). What if it comes at home and gets stuck, what if MrSlender has to call 999, do some kind of horrific procedure to save me or the baby, what if he does but it’s not enough.
What if he’s not here.
I’m scared of the journey to hospital, of the pain of bumps in the road.
I’m scared they’ll make me have an epidural too soon and labour won’t progress. I’ll be flat on my back, the heart rate will drop, my baby will be stuck. I’ll have to go in to theatre anyway, after agonising over deciding not to.
I’m scared of not being allowed to ease my pain in water because I need to be monitored, needing gas and air instead and hyperventilating and having another seizure.
I’m scared no matter how many times they try they can’t get an epidural to work, I have to have gas and air and then hyperventilate, have a seizure, then have to have another general and c-section as an emergency.
I’m scared of not being aware or awake when my baby’s born.
I’m scared of waking up again not knowing if I’m still pregnant or not.
Of course I could ‘just have another caesarean’. But would you want your torso sliced open, not one but two cuts. Want to feel people fishing and yanking inside your gut (I am imagining this, I obviously don’t know what it feels like being unconscious and all). Be scared to cough, laugh, sneeze just in case your stomach ripped open. Not be able to walk properly, back to normal, for months. Not be able to lift your toddler, to play sitting on the floor, to Hoover your house (if you actually had one that needed hoovering). To walk up stairs comfortably. To drive your car.
I’m scared I’ve made the wrong decision, that all those things are better than the unknown of childbirth.
But I know how I felt after I had the pob. I wanted a chance to try again, I still do. It’s natural instinct I guess.
I just want to have my baby with us both happy and healthy. Preferably without my stomach being sliced open. I want to be conscious. I want to know I’ve had our baby and remember having it and remember meeting it for the first time.
I am telling myself there are worse situations out there. Other people have had worse. They have got through a second birth. And anyway being scared of giving birth is normal, right? No matter how straight forward or complex, easy or horrific your first birth, every woman must be scared before she has her second. Even if she knows she’s having a section. No matter how its coming out.
Surely it’s normal to try to keep busy, to keep your mind occupied and to not want to dwell on the upcoming due date. Birth trauma or no birth trauma.
I just want my baby in my arms having known its been born, I want to meet my baby when it meets the world.